What I Do When Shame Takes Me Out
Last week, shame, anxiety and fear spirals spilled into my work life. Here’s what I did to navigate it all.
Shame takes me out of connection and makes it really challenging to show up for change-making. I imagine I’m not alone in that experience.
I’m sharing these action items in case you need them too, and as a reminder to my future self, who will definitely need them again.
Trust my body: Following my body's impulse allows me to be with the feelings and avoid overriding or pushing them away. In this case, I hid under a blanket for a few minutes until my shoulders relaxed, my breath deepened, and I could feel my hands again.
Feel it: Singing a little helps me feel and move emotion, so it doesn’t stick to me. I’ve been particularly drawn to Sarina Partridge's songs for this, especially “Who Could Have Imagined?”
Go outside: Connecting with nature for even just a few minutes can shift my mood and help me remember there are more feelings beyond shame. This time of year, I am tending seeds and seedlings in the garden, which is the perfect activity for this.
Ask for help: Letting shame be seen and witnessed with kindness and compassion can interrupt the spiral. I’m grateful to a friend and my coaching group. Both received me with warmth.
My takeaways?
If I can feel a feeling, it only lasts a couple of minutes. I often want to resist feeling shame in particular, which only prolongs my suffering and keeps me from doing the work I love and community activities that contribute to the collective.
Keep practicing. Each of the things on this list took tons of practice and years of cultivation to be able to do regularly. And when I do each one, there is still learning and so much revealed.
Share as much as I can. Sharing these things with you is vulnerable and it’s important to me because it roots me in the web of humanity and all the various feelings we each experience (but often try to hide). And it lessens shame's grip on me every time I share.
When shame, fear and anxiety take any of us out of connection, that serves authoritarianism and racial capitalism. Feeling and releasing those feelings is an act of defiance – a way of reclaiming our agency, showing up fully and bringing our best to interrupting systems of oppression.
What is your experience with shame? What does it feel like for you? Are there any practices that help bring you out of a shame spiral? I hope to hear from you.
In fact, I’m starting a periodic newsletter that I imagine sending a few times a year, so I can continue to practice vulnerability and be in conversation with you about topics like these and more.
I invite you to sign up at the bottom of this page. Will you join me?
